Desi's Driving Kills Me

Desi drives like crap. I was over at My Brain On Kids reading a post that reminded me how truly horseshit Desi's driving really is. He would never admit it though. He usually wears a condescending perma-scowl whenever I am driving. Is this a guy thing? When he criticizes my driving I like to point out that fact that he's been t-boned by a bicyclist. How is that even possible?

We detest riding with him anywhere. Thing 1 and Thing 2 almost always end up car sick by the time we arrive at our destination. They have matching ice cream pails in both cars to vomit in. I usually need a bottle of Dramamine plus a Xanax followed by a chaser of Pinot just to stomach his driving. To make things worse, he almost always takes the most complicated, most dangerous, most indirect route possible.

He has actually driven us through a  full blown tornado. TWICE


The 2nd time was on Mother's Day. We were headed home from a weekend at the cabin. We knew some severe weather was going to be passing through. Instead of timing our return trip before or after the storm, "Sir Drives-Like-Crap" packed us up and drove DIRECTLY through the worst part of it. I begged him to stop at a Walmart or some place made of brick to wait it out. He confidently stated that we were safer in a car and could "probably make it."

He kindly treated us to a storm chaser play by play courtesy of the AM radio weather station. Thing 1 asked him repeatedly, "Are we going to die, Daddy??? Because I don't want to die." To which Desi replied, "Probably not" just as we were heading through one of the most isolated, heavily forested stretches of road on the whole trip.

Did you know trees can be incredibly destructive shrapnel?

 
During the most violent point of the storm, we literally could not see 5 feet in front of the car. The trees were bent parallel to the ground and the hail and rain pelted the windshield mercilessly. The gusts were so strong that Desi had to slow to 5 miles per hour so he could keep the car on the road. Our car pitched and yawed like the space shuttle reentering the atmosphere.

I was seriously pissed off by this point. 


Me (Yelling to be heard above the pandemonium): Look. I TOLD you we shouldn't drive through this.We're going to die!

Desi: It'll be fine.

Me: And why are we driving in the same direction as the storm? We should stop at one of these houses and ask to go in their basement.

Desi: I'm not asking a stranger to go in their basement.

Me: Why the hell not??? You'd rather DIE than ask someone you don't know to save us? I'll ask then. Just pull over.

Desi: I'm not stopping.

Me: If I survive this, you'll never hear the end.

Desi: I realize that.


By the very Grace of God, we seemed to come out alive on the other side of the storm. The silence that followed was palpable. We finally arrived home. Desi immediately turned on the tv and enthusiastically flipped through channels back and forth to view the carnage as reported on the news.


Desi: "Well huh. Look at that. Seventeen houses were leveled and trees are down everywhere! There are entire neighborhoods with no power. That was a pretty bad storm!

Me: If you EVER do that again, I'm going to divorce you.

Desi: Promise?




17 comments:

  1. This was great! I laughed so hard while reading this ENTIRE POST. Sounds like The Artist, he likes driving in blizzards and throwing on the E-brake so we fishtail and slide around.

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    1. I <3 slippery fish tales... Being sucked up in a tornado like the Wicked Witch? Not so much.

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  2. That's terrifying. I once freaked out because my husband wouldn't pull over in a heavy rainstorm. I can't imagine driving through a tornado.

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    1. Yeah. He's all passive...and then there's severe weather. That's when he chooses to exert himself???

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  3. My husband has Old Man Driver Syndrome...I'm not sure which condition is worse...Speed Racer Syndrome or that. Sadly, Old Man Driver Syndrome lasts much longer because he can't remember which pedal is the gas and the commute takes us twice as long to get there. Shoot me. Really. I posted last week about my lead foot and Road Rage. When my hubby is behind the wheel, I turn into a total maniac in the passenger seat. One day my son will need to learn to drive from someone who isn't either of us ;)

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    1. I would pay money to ride with you. Not. Even. Kidding.

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  4. Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! So. Freakin. Hilarious. "Are we going to die, Daddy?" "Probably not." Ahahahahahaha this sounds like our house too. My husband is always asking me - don't you want to drive the SUV off a jump? No. No I do not. And, never, ever, ever has it crossed my mind. I drive like everyone's out to kill my children and me. My husband is an adrenaline junkie and drives like he has a death wish. Holy cow.

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    1. I don't think he realizes how much safer she would have felt if he didn't answer at all. Lucky us and our Mario Andretti husbands.

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  5. I am terrified by tornadoes, also I am oftentimes also terrified by my husband's driving! Thank god he has never driven into a tornado (yet) because the thought alone is almost enough to kill me!

    I love your husband's response to "Are we going to die, Daddy?" "Probably not"-that would be exactly what my husband would say. Are they related?

    Several years ago when we had several winters where we literally had 8 feet of snow on the ground. I don't know how many times they cancelled school due to the snow, like 13 times or something that year (it seemed the kids went to school almost into July or something). Anyhoo... we had terrible blizzard early in March that was so bad that the entire state was pretty much shut down. My husband was so determined to get to his (Insert random sporting event with beer here) that he drove in it. There were snow drifts higher than our car. We literally had to turn around and go different routes about 24 times. Somehow he found a way to go, and made it there. I lived to tell about it.

    According to him, all of the other drivers out there are the idiots, he's the only one who knows what he's doing...

    Great post! Love it that we both have crazy husbands!

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    1. I remember that storm, I think. We had massive amounts of snow. Desi would have done whatever it took to get to his sporting event too. Love the "other drivers out there are idiots!" That's what Desi says. You know? I think they just might be related.

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  6. Oops, said also twice there... Also...

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  7. Car Slaloming = Hubbs behind the wheel.

    Though, you win... you totally win.

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    1. Car Slalom sounds CRAZY! Don't let Desi hear that idea. We'll be dead by Christmas.

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  8. I came over here from Bloggess and I have to know what you have against lawn gnomes. I mean I get why everyone hates the elf....but lawn gnomes?

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    1. Actually, lawn gnomes are WAY less scary than clowns and monkeys. Nice to meet you; hope you'll stop by again.

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  9. That was awesome. I love your use of the word "horseshit" to pertain to his driving. And I love that he has been T-boned by a bicycle. Sorry for your Xanax and matching barf buckets, though. ;)

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  10. Wow, just wow. It would take just one experience like this and I would have some serious life insurance on him.

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