My secret subject is, "I never tell a lie. Except for this one time...." It was submitted by The Adventures Of The Family Pants.
When I was a young lady, my mother never talked to me about “things.” You know, as in sex. Like. Never. We never had THE TALK. And I certainly never saw any of those movies in 4th grade like they have now with the videos of the Sperm Olympics. There was no cable t.v. or online “resources” to supplement my knowledge. Hell, we didn’t even have computers at school until I was in 5th grade and the internet was years away. “The Joy Of Sex” was just about the only resource out there on the topic and our library didn’t carry it. I checked.
The only other options I had for sex education were pictures my friend showed me. Her parents kept a stack of magazines in a doctor’s bag with some other odd contraptions I had never seen before and wouldn’t know what to do with if they landed in my pants. Everything I knew about sex came from three primary sources: my older sister, my friends, and Flowers In The Attic by V.C. Andrews. Turns out, none of them was a very accurate source. Consequently, I was significantly delayed in the knowledge of what to expect or do when the time came.
I was married for a FULL 5 years before I enjoyed the benefits of sex. You know, as in truly ENJOYED it. (She's not going to go there, is she?) Why yes. Yes I am.
Sex was never bad or anything. It’s just that I always felt ripped off because Desi obviously enjoyed it WAY more. I knew I was missing something, I just didn’t know exactly how to go about getting there. I was convinced I wasn’t capable of the full benefits and also that all of my friends were liars like me.
This was the mother of all lies.
I was really good at pretending this sex thing was awesome even though it clearly was not that awesome. My performances were so good, (Gasp!) I swear sometimes I was probably in the running for an Oscar. Desi never suspected a thing. At least I don't think he did. Let me go ask. You wait here.
I'm back, and his answer was - nope. He never had a clue.
Finally one day, I fessed up. I told Desi that he wasn't really doing it for me and never really had. So began our quest for the Holy Grail. I poured through countless articles in magazines like Vogue and Cosmo. I consulted my doctor. I even ramped up my vitamin and oyster consumption. Still nothing. Desi was pretty open to trying just about anything that might make IT happen. In retrospect, this shouldn’t have really surprised me.
Then one day, the planets came into alignment and a cosmic harmony fell over the earth. Or whatever. IT finally happened.
As in, Halle -Faking-Lujah!
Check out The Truth About Sex for more wit and wisdom on the topic.
AND, be sure to check out the other sites featuring Secret Subject Posts. I can't wait to see who got mine! *Laughs maniacally*
http://smn0409.blogspot.com/ (The Mommy Chronicles)