I Dream Of Beavers

I've been sick. Really. Really. Sick. You know. The kind of sick, moms like us almost never get. The kind of sick that cripples air traffic around the country when we're slow. That kind.
In case you haven't guessed it, I'm the kind of person who is almost never still. I have two speeds: stop and 90 mph. My idea of a relaxing weekend is one with the least amount of down-time. I can't even watch t.v. unless I'm also reading or cruising social media. Or both. Being sick is not conducive to my personality. At all.

Well, last week, Thing 1 asked me about Strep. She said, "Mom, what does Strep feel like?"

Me: It hurts like hell. It feels like your uvula is coated in sandpaper and playing hockey with your tonsils. You would definitely know it if you had it.

Thing 1: My throat is kind of sore.

Me: How sore? Let me have a look.

You know. Because I'm an MD in addition to my other amateur vocations.

Me: It's a little red, but I've seen Strep before and this is NO Strep. Here. Have a Ricola.

The next day...

Thing 1: "Mom, my throat really hurts. Can you look at it?"

Me: (flashlight in hand) Hmmm... It doesn't look like Strep. And I'd know Strep if I saw it.

Thing 1: What does it look like?

Me: It looks a lot like cottage cheese. I've had it many times. Trust me. I'd know.

Later that week at Swift Care...

The REAL Doctor: Well. The rapid test came back positive. She's probably been contagious for a while now. Keep an eye on the rest of the family in case.

Two days later...

Thing 2 vomits explosively all over herself. And me. And the dog. She's down for the count - the child, not the dog.

Saturday...

Me: I'm not. Feeling. So well. It hurts to cough. Like stabbing knives in my bronchial tubes. That can't be Strep. Plus, my throat looks fine. A little red, but fine.

Monday AM...

Me: Ouch. What IS happening to me? I would certainly know it if I had Strep. I think I'll go to the walk-in clinic just to be sure something else isn't going on.

The REAL Doctor: Well, your throat is the color of raspberries and your tonsils have the characteristic red stripes. I'd say Strep. Plus, you have an upper respiratory infection that we should treat right away.

So I spent the entirety of Monday, Tuesday, AND Wednesday in bed. This has only happened 2 other times. Ever.

I spent these three days slipping in and out of consciousness. Dreaming about a school bus backing into the corner of my house, consequently knocking a sentimental old trunk full of family photos into the frigid water surrounding my house. (idk) I then, commandeered a 4-wheeler from the trailer the bus was pulling (wtf?) and tore off around the side of the house only to see my trunk of heirloom photos partially submerged in the water. I did what most any rational lucid dreamer would do at this point. I hooked up a chain to the trunk and pulled it out of the water, saving most of the photos from water damage. In the mean time, a beaver got in the way. Since I was far too consumed with my mission to remain the queen of the family archivers, I ignored the beaver in distress.

When the officials came to investigate my unlawful use of the ATV, I calmly explained the situation. And I would have gotten off scott-free. If NOT for the frozen beaver peering in the basement window at the detectives, lifeless and stiff.

 Stupid beaver.

When I finally emerged from several other rather peculiar dreams, I felt better. Rested. Completely sane. I had my first cup of coffee in 3 days. And damn. That tasted good. Even my morning guest, Mr. Beaver agreed.

You know, when I said I wanted to go viral, this was NOT what I meant. Next time I'll know.