What Are You Struggling With Today? I'll Go First.

Some days and weeks are better than others for me. I don't know if it's a cycle or related to hormones or diet or massive quantities of cheap, boxed wine.

Monday came like a blow to the head. The explosions at the Boston Marathon sort of sent me in a tail spin.

According to Marilyn, I'm "emotionally sensitive." The number of massive horrific events I have witnessed in my lifetime are really starting to freak me out. I can't even watch the coverage of them, because my emotions are so strong that it causes me physical illness. Just think about what some of us have witnessed.  Oklahoma City bombing, 9-11, Columbine, Sandy Hook, and other countless assaults on our country. I am afraid to go places where there are large crowds.

Tuesday, my husband's uncle passed away. He was only in his 50's. He had leukemia and died from complications due to pneumonia. I am afraid of dying. I am so terrified that something will make me or my loved ones sick. I'm not afraid of germs, really. And if you saw my house, you would know that I'm not a neat freak. That's what people call my mom and my gramma. Neat freak.

Last night, Desi and I hashed and rehashed the details over going to the funeral for his uncle. We had to decide if we were all going, or just him. Obviously, I want to go. But the airfare to fly for all of us would be well over $3K. Isn't it sad that the money is an issue? It's a family member's funeral. Oh, that's another thing I'm terrified of. Running out of money. Desi and I have an average amount of debt compared to most Americans. But I worry incessantly about bills and savings, and wasting. I got that training from my parents and grandparents. Awesome.



Today, I am exhausted. I cried and cried last night, overwhelmed with sorrow. That's another issue. I find it so difficult to be happy even at times when I should be happy. It's almost like I sabotage my own happiness so no one else can ruin it for me.

Anyway, I'm tired. Thing 1 forgot her English book at home and she would get detention without it. That's another fear I have. I am constantly worried that I'm going to get in trouble and I am certain I've taught this to my daughters. Which leads to another issue, the nonstop guilt I have over failure as a parent. So I ran the book over to Thing 1's school and dropped it off at the office. I'm not one to rush in and bail my kids out if they deserve a consequence, but I know how much anxiety Thing 1 suffers already over late assignments and following rules.

When I got home, I just wanted to crawl back in bed. There aren't many days when I can do this. Like ever. I climbed into bed to try to get some rest. And then the noise in my head started. My voice. If you could hear what's going on in my head, it would sound like the equivalent of 100 of me in a room together talking at the same time over each other about different things.

I had about 15 different blog posts running in my head. I had the mom-guilt voices scolding me for my obvious lack of parental discretion. I had the "list-maker" making lists of all of things that could and needed to be done before I could rest. I had the insecure mom-wife telling me all of the things I'm not doing well enough.

I took a notebook and scrawled some things down to get them out of my head. By this point in the post, you're probably thinking I am a complete and total LOONY. But that's just it. I am not. I am (from outside appearances) pretty normal. I am the mom who sat next to you at the Christmas program at school. I am the teacher your child adores. I am the woman at the movie theater with her children. I have an I.Q. that's higher than most people. Technically, I'm smarter. Only not emotionally.

See what I did right there? Self-loathing.

I managed to get a little bit of rest. I left the phone downstairs so it wouldn't wake me and I don't know how to set the alarm clock. So I worried about waking up in time to meet my 4 year old, Thing 2 when she came home from school. Did I tell you I worry about being late? Constantly.

Now, I am sitting here looking at the stacks of papers piling up, the dishes, and thinking of all of the things I need to do. And I'm frozen. Overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in three days. Nice. I just don't have the energy.

And when Thing 2 comes home, she's going to want me to play with her. And I'll tell her, "Just a minute." for the rest of the day. And I will feel like shit because all mothers love to play with their children, right?

And I will plead for silence because the noise in my head is so loud that I can't stand it at times. That's when  a good stiff adult beverage comes in handy. I think it's referred to as "self-medicating." I will sit at the table twitching back and forth on social media looking for validation from strangers. Only I will be emotionally detached from the very family I love. It's strange how I can be more sympathetic to strangers than those I know in real life. I just want to be left alone.

I feel like I'm in a really dark place right now. I know it will get brighter again. But I just want to feel better. Normal. And for those of you looking for the comedian and teacher, she'll be back. I'm not sure when. Soon, I hope.


Now. Your turn. Spill it. 

It does feel better to get it out of your head.



A Mother Life


This was a Hump Day Hook Up post. Does that make me a hooker?

26 comments:

  1. Everyone deserves a sad. Have it, grieve, it's OK. Money sucks. it's shit.. there's never enough or too much and people trying to take it from you ... whatever. I know how all of this feels. I spent an entire 24 hours in an LA hotel waiting for the next plane while my dad lay dying in hospital because we got stand by tickets and I missed my connection because we had no money, so I GET IT. 24 hrs freaking out when I could have spent that with him instead of the 3 hrs I actually got.
    But please brush your teeth cos seriously.. 3 day old breath is rank and even I don't wanna cuddle you with THAT ;)

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    1. Brushed and showered. Can we cuddle now?

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss, we've had those issues too. Everyone lives so far apart -- it's no longer as easy as just getting in the car and going.

    I've spent the day crying, trying to find that 'positive' thing to concentrate on too. I don't know if it's the bombing, the failed vote on gun back ground checks, or the fact that my husband told me no this morning when I asked him to cash a check.(Actually he lied, said the drive thru wasn't open at 8:30 AM -- I didn't feel like arguing) Then again, maybe it's the visit yesterday, by my oldest son who informed me I'm the reason his recent girl friend is breaking up with him, or my youngest son, who feels I've destroyed his relationship, too. There's one thing certain about being a mother -- whatever happens -- it's your fault! I'm tired too, tired of being the only parent in this family, the only one who takes care of anything, and the only one with any sense of purpose or ambition. I can't carry the whole damn world anymore -- I quit!

    Oh well, that's my tale of woe -- feeling better? Me neither.

    Tell you what, put on a hat, dark glasses, your walking shoes and join me for a walk (I don't care if you haven't brushed your teeth or washed your face - I just need a friend!). A walk is truly the only thing that will get me out of this funk -- what do you say?

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    1. I say, let's go! You do know that these things we tell ourselves are lies, right? We are good mothers and we are strong. Sometime the only people who truly understand that are other mothers like us. Thanks for the walk. It was nice.

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  3. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. The bombing hit me very hard, too. But your difficulty doesn't sound situational...you are going through a dark time, like you said. And I recognize a lot of the things you said. The self-loathing, the feeling of being frozen because you are so overwhelmed, the wanting to be left alone. It's not the right path for everyone, but I went on medication, and it has helped. It sucks, because no one in my real life knows about it. Well, I guess most in my blogging life don't, either, because I haven't talked about it on my blog. I probably will someday. As you know, it's hard to go there. I don't want people to know. But all that does is add to the self-loathing, right?

    So, anyway, after all that, I just wanted to say I have a glimmer of understanding of what you are going through, and I'm sorry. I hope you are able to find your way back out. Hugs.

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    1. It helps to have friends like you who understand. It truly does. Thank you. And it's interesting how many people (bloggers) tell me they can't write about this on their blogs. I get it. I'm feeling a bit unsure about oversharing as I did. If you ever would consider being a guest here, I know it would help so many others including me. ;-)

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  4. I'm so sorry. I've found lately that getting out of the house helps. Even if it's just the yard. Also, don't quote me on this, but I think airlines will discount your fare if you can prove you're going to a funeral. Worth a try.

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    1. Yah, I need to get out of the house for sure. For. Sure. It's been crappy weather and raining and I'm trapped here until June. But I'm feeling better today and your comment love sure does help. Thanks, Jenn.

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  5. Oh, honey bunches! Too much stress sucks a giant pile of ass. There's really not a thing as "too little stress" more like "manageable stress" versus "I'm spinning out of control" amounts of upheaval. I, like you, am emotionally sensitive. I can't watch the Boston coverage because that's where we are from and it makes me nauseous. So, I'm burying my head in the sand as we speak and performing mundane tasks - like cleaning out a gibungous filing cabinet. I have just shredded enough documentation that it makes Watergate look like a child's game of Telephone. Sigh. Sorry for your loss, love...

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    1. Bleck. It's like I just take it day after day until I barf out the yuck on the inside. Then I start all over again. It's cycle. But Marilyn (not the sister, the other one) is helping me work on that. Thanks for your kind words, hun.

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  6. I'm so sorry, sweetie! You are just piling it on yourself and then there's your loss to add to it. You poor dear. I wish I could give you a hug right now, anyway, here's a virtual one (())
    You have been worrying about a lot of stuff lately I know, and maybe you need a diversion. Do something fun with your kids to take your mind off stuff. I dunno. I wish I had the magic answer. I always work out or garden or like Jenn said, get out of the house.

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    1. I got your hug. It was awesome and your Chanel smells great! Yes. It's time to do that. I love my garden.

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  7. Overwhelmed. That is a feeling I and many others can understand. And it sucks.
    Give me my bed. Give me quiet. Be quiet so your words don't hurt me.
    I think for you, your family is there and you have to be there for them while dealing with and pushing down your own needs and feelings.
    We are here to ...yes, validate you and more importantly let you know that you are not alone.

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    1. So much support from so many of you. It's truly amazing. And it's safer than real life, sometimes. That helps too.

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  8. We are so much more alike than I realized, dear. I'm glad we found each other. Many of the things you said I feel-the being paralyzed by being overwhelmed, the mommy guilt about playing, the terror over money.

    I've been having a sad week too, beyond what happened in Boston it's been purely selfish. And guess what, I feel bad about that too! ;-)

    Hugs to you and your family.

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    1. Thank you, and I hope I can help you feel better too. The thing about us is we are almost never selfish. So much so that we'll never ask for or take anything for ourselves even when we want it. I'm teaching my daughters to care more about what other people want than what they want. Only, that's not so great either.

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  9. So I put my hand up when you said mommy guilt, I put my hand up when you said you can't sleep because of the voices, I put my hand up when you said you're scared of getting into trouble, I put my hand up when you said you can't watch the coverage of all of these disasters because it is just too much. If that doesn't tell you that everything you are stressing about is completely normal, then I don't know what will. Try to go a bit easy on yourself, you are only human after all.

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    1. It helps to have reminders. Thank you. I'll try.

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  10. I can relate to so much of what you have said here. I sometimes imagine taking a vacation...from myself. I want to be someone else and somewhere else, just for a little while.

    I hope you can get some sleep. You need rest. Real rest.

    This too shall pass. It really well. Be patient!

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    1. And that is how I know you are true friends here. We understand each other. And we all have different strengths to share. That gets me through. <3 Thank you.

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  11. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I was in a dark place about a month and a half ago and that's when I started blogging as a distraction and a way to pull myself out of it. It has worked for the most part, but I am still in tears or near tears way more often than is reasonable. I should have been at the Boston Marathon finish line on Monday, but I was having a "moment" so my boyfriend was trying to make me feel better and we skipped the race. Thank goodness for my insanity!

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    1. Oh, wow. I cannot believe how rattled I would be if I was you right now. Just. Wow. I'm really glad you stopped by. When you're feeling all bleck, tweet me or post on my fbook page. We'll hang out. ;-) I am feeling much better, btw.

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  12. Except for the funeral to go to, I could have written this. I offer you a warm internet hug from another slightly cracked and dented mum. The thing I keep trying to remember when I'm feeling this way is that it always does end eventually.

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    1. Thank you. Yes. It's hard to look at the bright side no matter how much I'd like to sometimes. But that bright side does come and then I feel better. Thank you for stopping by. Hope you'll be back soon. ;-)

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  13. Unfortunately, this is the way the world is now. And it IS very difficult to deal with. As you and I 'talk' more and more I find we have so much in common, and while I too try to find the bright spots in each day, I find it increasingly hard to do so. So, I'm under a dark cloud most of the time too. But we can't live our lives in fear of what others may do, or think about us. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to take a pill and end up on some beautiful island, just for a few hours?

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  14. Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this. I believe I sabotage myself, too. It's easier to say fuck it and never give anyone else the chance to hurt you or take that happiness from you. Easier to never hope.

    Boy, I sound like an idiot, I'll laugh at this later. (Maybe) You hit me in a sad.

    -The Insomniacs Dream

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Well HELLOOOO! I LOVE comments SO much! And don't forget to come back soon. xoxoxo Lucy

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